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Cancer- Courage and Love
by Lorraine Kember
http://www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com
Cancer ~ Courage and Love ~~By Lorraine Kember
When some one we love is diagnosed with a terminal cancer,
life as we knew it changes forever. Suddenly we enter a
new world, a world filled with helplessness, despair and
fear of the unknown.
Everyday we hear of people dealing with incredible sadness
and loss and we wonder; how do they do it? Where do they
find the courage the strength? We may even ask ourselves
how we would cope under the circumstances. Sadly, we only
become aware of the answer, when tragedy visits us and our
own lives are thrown into turmoil.
When some one we love is diagnosed with a terminal cancer,
life as we knew it changes forever. Suddenly we enter a
new world, a world filled with helplessness, despair and
fear of the unknown. We no longer walk aimlessly around
shopping Malls; we walk the Hospital corridors and sit in
chemotherapy waiting rooms and are shocked by the number
of people afflicted by cancer.
Sitting in a Chemotherapy ward is an experience not to be
forgotten. Cancer has no respect for gender, age or
wealth. There are people from every race, color and creed;
rich, middle class and poor; and none of this makes the
slightest difference. They are all untited in their
suffering, fellow human beings on the same sad journey. We
can not help but wonder, if one day we too may be a
patient, and we fear for our own mortality.
No one is immune to grief. It is inevitable that if we
love deeply, we will also grieve deeply, but few of us
would deny ourselves the gift of love to our lives. So,
grief becomes a part of our lives that we must learn to
deal with. There are well documented stages to the
grieving process, yet no two people's journey will be the
same.
My journey began in Dec 1999 when Brian, my husband and
partner of 34 years was diagnosed with pleural
mesothelioma (asbestos related cancer). His prognosis of
three to nine months was ever on my mind and this had a
catastrophic affect on my life. With no idea of what to
expect, I feared that he might die at any time and due to
this, I saw any symptom he displayed as a sign of his
imminent death.
For the first time in our long relationship, I could not
turn to Brian for strength. I recognised and supported
his need to live in hope, whilst at the same time I was
struggling with my hopelessness. I could not burden the
children with my grief; they had not fully accepted their
father's prognosis and it hurt them if I mentioned his
condition.
It was hard to remain strong for all of them and to act as
if everything was okay, when nothing was okay. There were
days when I told everyone I met, that my husband was
dying. Seeing the sympathy and compassion on their faces
justified the depth of my despair. One day a lady said to
me, "You are such a strong woman." and I wondered what
had made her say that. I didn't feel strong, I felt like
I was breaking.
My emotional turmoil soon affected my health, I ached with
tension, begun to have trouble catching my breath, groaned
involuntarily and felt as if I too were dying. I was
fortunate in that my doctor did not prescribe anti
depressants for me to help me cope with my anticipatory
grief. Instead he advised that I see a councilor on a
regular basis and that I begin writing in a personal
diary. His advice was sound. The diary I begun on that
day; became my strongest coping tool, I wrote in it daily,
often in the form of poetry, pouring my heartache and fear
onto the pages.
One can not bear witness to the incredible courage of
those who have cancer, without being deeply affected. My
husband's interminable courage in the face of his terminal
mesothelioma cancer, held me in awe and I determined to do
everything within my power to help him.
Realizing that I would need to understand more about his
disease and the pain and symptoms associated with it in
order to achieve this; I sought knowledge regarding the
stages of his disease, the pain and symptoms he would
experience as it progressed and ways by which to manage
them. I learned a lot and came to realize, that although
I could not stop my husband from dying - I could help him
to live.
Untreated pain is debilitating, it dramatically affects a
patient's ability to participate in daily routines and in
some cases takes away their will to live. Experience has
taught me that knowledge is the key to better quality of
life for the terminally ill. Tragically, many people are
suffering chronic pain unnecessarily. This in part, due to
them not being made aware of the importance of pain
management and being shown the simple tools necessary to
achieve it. Lack of knowledge regarding the benefits and
side effects of available medication is also a factor.
All patients and their carer's should be encouraged to
talk to their doctors about the progressive symptoms of
their disease, so that informed choices can be made
regarding available treatment and medications.
I believe that loved ones are far more likely to be cared
for at home, if the carer has a clear understanding of the
progression of the disease and knowledge regarding the
management of pain and symptoms. All patients and their
carer's should be encouraged to talk to their doctors
about the progressive symptoms of their disease, so that
informed choices can be made regarding available treatment
and medications. It is important for health professionals
to realize and support a family's need to maintain some
control over their lives, this removes their sense of
helplessness, gives them purpose and helps them to cope
with the anticipatory grief associated with terminal
diagnosis.
Deep within us all, there is strength and courage to
sustain us in times of personal tragedy. I have come to
realize that during my husband's illness, I was indeed
strong. It was incredibly hard to wake each day with the
knowledge that my husband was dying; my anticipatory grief
often overwhelmed me but somehow I managed to carry on.
Despite a prognosis of three to nine months, Brian
survived for two years and due to the pain and symptom
management we achieved, he remained active and alert and
was not bed bound until three short days prior to his
death. Thankfully, due to the expertise and dedication of
the Palliative Care Team, I was able to fulfill my promise
to him that he would not die in hospital. His death at
home was as loving, sharing and peaceful as anyone could
wish for.
My journey beside him as he traveled to the end of his
life, has taught me many things, above all the true
meaning of love and the strength of the human spirit. I
have witnessed courage; that of my husband as he battled
his disease and of my own as I stood beside him,
determined to improve the quality of his life. The
knowledge that I was successful in this has brought me
much peace. My husband's illness and death have wounded me
deeply, yet I have emerged far stronger than ever before
and gone on to achieve things I never thought possible.
My experience has taught me not to take life for granted
and to live each day with thanks for the wonderful gift
that it is. I have witnessed death; my awareness of the
fragility of life, despite the strongest of wills
strengthens my determination to grasp everything life
offers me, with both hands.
Article written by: Lorraine Kember ~ Author of "Lean on
Me" Cancer through a Carer's Eyes. Lorraine's book is
written from her experience of caring for her dying
husband in the hope of helping others. It includes
insight and discussion on: Anticipatory Grief,
Understanding and identifying pain, Pain Management and
Symptom Control, Chemotherapy, Palliative Care, Quality of
Life and Dying at home. It also features excerpts and
poems from her personal diary. Highly recommended by the
Cancer Council. "Lean on Me" is not available in
bookstores - For detailed information, Doctor's
recommendations, Reviews, Book Excerpts and Ordering
Facility - visit her website
www.cancerthroughacarerseyes.jkwh.com
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